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***Trigger---warning***

Riding in the back of a car in the dimly lamplight 9:00. Bumps punctuating the forest to either side. How had that conversation started? The middle:
"Well, my sister…"

Fingers slithering towards wrist. A casual stiffening of shoulders at contact, synchronized perfectly with the sound of the title. After the explanation:

"I don't want them to put me in therapy because I cry or something."

They had no right sitting that 3rd grader in a green chair across from a lady with spiky blond hair. The uncomfortable chair always kept reserved for the entrance of a doubly braided head next to a plusher couch. The chair always occupied.

"Well, I'm depressed so I kind of need that…"
"So am I."

Measured exhale. Fingers alert at wrist. But why?

"Really? You always seem so happy…"
"Yeah… masks." An ironic grin to no one. Even scrambling nails couldn't tuck away that concept eagerly jotted down by two poets so long ago.

A flash of light from one properly working streetlamp.  Eyes down turned to follow the angle of two twisted arms connected at a rusty wrist. The white of that soft headband wrapped on the arm explicitly to float in the black lights now infected scarlet from a quiet folding over that oxidized iron deposit. If it were a little darker….

No one notices a gray wristband.



dark so dark. Why turn on a LED to see the damage so far done? Isn't the point not to care? Why dig those nonexistent nails so badly bitten? To punish skin for soft emotions?  There's not enough hurt to bring salt from eyes either way. Why let them grow longer, do their job just a little easier? Is this a plea for attention? Why a gray wristband then? Is it "experimentation?" Deeper. Light. Pinprick of rust. Deeper. Second pinprick. A long scrap in just the right diagonal. As close to a flow as possible for the night. The stealth of a gray wristband too  short to cover both welts. The first is closer to healed. It can be seen.

No one notices a sticky wristband.



Staring out a window on the way to school dreading (hoping?) for that ghostly white hair of the past. Fingers readied in anticipation. As long as he doesn't turn—

Opening those doors with such a mean smile.
The reflection of a face from those long ago mornings.
Laughter.
So much Laughter.

Too much-

Too much-
Receding hands and continued conversation in jovial tones. Coat covering sleeve covering skin.

No one can even see a wristband.



It finally hurts. Hot water muddying the clot, deepening the shaft downwards, adding more layers. Time to stop. It'll make a scar. It'll still be there. And then a conveniently red washcloth. Rubbing. Rubbing. No need for nails. No need for a sharp puncture, the will to send aches though the body.

It just looks so ugly-
It won't bleed-
Just need that green thing off.


No one notices a soaking wristband.



So painful after too many showers. Too many sticky rips separating fabric from skin. It's getting too loose… two hair bands to keep it in place? Yes, crisscrossed just like that. "X" marks the spot. But even that isn't holding. Twist it over that still innocent hand one more time. And roll it - just keep rolling it into place - keep synching that wrist closer and closer - why does it have to be so sharp? – until there rests an immovable iron cap for that larger  deposit beneath it.

No one notices a tightening wristband.




locker room dilemma. To risk a call of attention? The eyes of an entire class accusing the wrist? It had happened before. When it still didn't hurt. No one saw then, but now…

The gray tourniquet hung in a cubby; the wound so exposed and bound to bleed without something to staunch it.

Why did it have to be volleyball? Any other sport than volleyball.  That yellow projectile threatened so much. Sacrificing a performance grade by passing it wrongly, with elbows instead of that so tender spot. But inevitably, the dreaded point of impact. Tiny dots of emerging rust subdued by pressing pus, each one a little circlet around the pore it seeped from. Needles of fire and ice and everything in between all slowly jabbing at the same time. Clutching the spot, concealed screams laughed off as a repeated, unexplained,
"Ow."

Numbness at the next contact. Not that seeked comfort but a red numb. The tourniquet safely in a cubby without detection.

Someone would have noticed a wristband.



One final tug, one final severed connection followed by a black Sharpie tracing those faint flakes which perfectly outline the edge of nervous purple. Two cooling ink borders, the second smaller from that other night so long ago in the car. It hadn't healed. Then, a singular swoop to the side.

Maybe this should get another try.
Maybe this one should get a name.


Cap on Sharpie, artificial skin softly closing that mine drilled too deeply. Why dig for such an invaluable mineral in the first place?

No one notices a flesh tone Band-Aid.
No one notices healing.
Style inspired by Cormac McCarthy (Just finished The Road)

For those of you in the same situation: THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS ANY SORT OF GUIDEBOOK. YOU DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOURSELF LIKE THIS. If you really really have to, don't cut/scrape/whatever you want to call it in the same place.
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:iconartemis-f-fox:
Artemis-F-Fox Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, that was amazing. I'm sure you get this all the time, but you have a lot of talent. Keep up the good work!
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:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank yooou! =] (For the favorite too)
Reply
:iconartemis-f-fox:
Artemis-F-Fox Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem :)
Reply
:iconyourbetrayal666:
Yourbetrayal666 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wow i really love this style :D beautiful writing =D
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:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! =]
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:iconmikgeta:
Mikgeta Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Student Writer
:)
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:iconyourbuddybill:
YourBuddyBill Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Why the hell anyone would hate you for that is beyond me.
Eerie.
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Most of the feedback I'm getting is indicating no one does hate me for it, so maybe I should take out that part of the description. d=
Reply
:iconyourbuddybill:
YourBuddyBill Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah lol
Reply
:iconficticiousanimation:
FicticiousAnimation Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I am glad you got your emotions out. Plus, this is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! Pleaase excuse my Frenchy, but this is the most beautiful thing I have evr read besides the Bible itself. Yeah, it's that amazing. I love this, it is sad, but witten beautifully, and reflects pain in a way I have never seen.

Btw, we all have our pain. I know a lot of people are going to start pulling some shit about how their life is so horrible compared to yours, but the fact of the matter is that you have just as much a right to bit depressed as everybody else does. I don't know why pain is such a competition, but it doesn't need to be.

This is amazing, and I will favorite it. ^^
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much :worship: I really don't know how to.... just thank you. Thank you for calling it beautiful and thank you for commenting and thank you for saying it's not a contest and as awful and non appreciative as it sounds, it means a lot that you'd take the time to give me feedback and your opinion on pain. =]

I try no to think of depression as a competition but it's almost impossible to dodge. When I'll try to thank someone for drawing me a butterfly or what not, they kind of walk away in a sense as if I didn't need it in the first place. I can't help feeling unworthy in the light of the horror stories about those who were raped, abused, beaten, abandoned, et cetera, but at the same time, it's hard to point to the exact source of depression if it's not an obvious event which makes the whole thing harder to digest. I think everyone's comments on this have allowed me not to feel guilty about being in such a bad place, so thank you, again.
Reply
:iconficticiousanimation:
FicticiousAnimation Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You are welcome. ^^
Reply
:iconamh97:
amh97 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012
I don't hate you. I don't think you're pathetic.
I used to cut with "the usual suspects" (Razors, siccors, etc), but that doesn't make your pain or my pain any more serious or anything. It's not a contest.
I like how this is really honest and serious. I totally relate to hiding scars. The whole, "Why are you wearing a sweatshirt in August?" or your wristband.
Most importantly, I'm glad you're okay.
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks =] I'm glad it's relatable, even if it shouldn't be. Believe me, I know it's not a contest, but I guess I feel like I don't deserve to be depressed because theres been nothing really bad (rape, divorce, abuse) in my life. It's odd, wearing long sleeves constantly doesn't seem to be odd to anyone. I went to school with fucking blood on my shirt by accident and no one even commented. =/ Whatever. I don't know whether that's good or bad. Okay I just ranted about a ton of crap so sorry. Thank you for your feedback =]
Reply
:iconamh97:
amh97 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012
It's not up to your or me or anyone to decide what's a "worthy" issue to feel depressed about. I've struggled with this for a while, and have realized that since we obviously don't choose depression and pain, then how can we judge what's worthy to feel those emotions?
I know the feeling of long sleeves. And bracelets. And anything to cover up scars. And people seeing them and saying nothing.
And you're welcome. :hug:
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yay! Thanks for making me feel allowed to be sad. Ya know? I think I'm going to write something about this sense everyone's telling me I can be depressed. So thanks for the inspiration too. =]
Reply
:iconamh97:
amh97 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012
Uhh...didn't mean it quite like that. More like, don't feel guilty about it.
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Know I get what you're saying... sorry if I didn't sound like it d=
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:iconthelastperformer:
thelastperformer Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
I actually like this more than any other cutting related written works I've read on DA. Ever, I think. I also don't think it's pathetic or anything like that. And most importantly, I'm glad you're alright. :)

The reason I say I like it more is because it's so much deeper than the other poetry about cutting. (I hope you know what I mean.) It's more personal, and it hurts more to read. It was definitely well written, and a good read. Again, I'm glad you're alright :love: and good job with the writing.
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, this comment made my day!

Thank you so much for your feedback; I'm so glad I could bring some small amount of originality to this overworked subject. As bad as it sounds, I'm sort of happy it hurts to read because I wanted it to be. I'm surprised it made any sense because of all the references I made that are just known to me. If that translates as personal, yay! I'm so glad you think this is deep, too. That's a big part of what I strive for in all my writing.

I really don't know how to tell you how much everything you said means, but I'm so, so grateful.
Reply
:iconthelastperformer:
thelastperformer Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
:love:
You did really do a wonderful job.
It skipped around maybe a little, but I think it gave it a lot more personality and everything. :) I really, really think you did a wonderful job! :D
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it a ton I promise. :worship:
Reply
:icontenrec4tea:
tenrec4tea Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012
Oh wow, this is such beautiful writing. I love the use of italics. Your descriptions are so detailed and lovely. A couple times it made me squirm, which is a good sign for you I guess. haha Nice work. (Nice work sounds so faulse... I'm sorry I can't think of something more adequate.)
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the italics. I was trying to find a way not to mention the character (myself I guess) either in third person or second, so italics was my way of doing that to some degree. I try my hardest with imagery; I guess I did alright. As for the piece making you squirm, good! I know you probably didn't enjoy those parts, but that was what I was going for so I'm really happy it came through. Thanks again for your feedback! It means a lot and I appreciate it so much =]
Reply
:icontenrec4tea:
tenrec4tea Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
Thanks for a reply other than, "Okay thank you," or "Thanks but I do things my own way." (And I think: why did I just waste my time on you?) Ahem.

Anyways, you're welcome and thank you for letting it be out there to read. :)
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't want to say thanks or you're welcome again because there's so much of that going around, but I really appreciate honest feedback (I hope you comment was honest) and try to respond to it, even if I don't necessarily take the advice.
Reply
:icontenrec4tea:
tenrec4tea Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2012
I always try to be honest. I think it's one of the best traits to have -- to be able to be blunt. But at the same time you have to balance a person's feelings, because you don't wanna come off as cruel.

As long as you consider my advice I'm fine with you not taking it.
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I consider all advice and I agree. Honesty can be hard but it's a very good quality to have.
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:icontenrec4tea:
tenrec4tea Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2012
Kewl beanz.
Reply
:iconayazu:
Ayazu Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2012  Student General Artist
hug?
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah =]
Reply
:iconayazu:
Ayazu Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2012  Student General Artist
im not going to give you a virtual hug.
imma give u a bone crushing one tw.
a real one.
:D!!
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yay! =]
Reply
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