Great poem! I'm glad you also included the original; it really proves the power of editing. I think you did wonderfully with morphing this to fulfill those goals you stated. In fact, as I compared the two drafts, I noted those changes without even having read your explanation! That's certainly something to be proud of.
There are a few instances where more revision would be beneficial. I'll point them out here.
- Your organization of the first stanza is a bit jaunty. The second line seems broken off oddly; perhaps because the phrase starts with "that" the whole line seems a bit trivial. Then, when before you broke the poem down after one clause was over, you include "from butterfly and so shred it all." I love the content of this line, but it really doesn't flow. Working on those two things could help the first verse read better.
If you want it to read painfully like you're describing the words as, I would break it up more and strip it of excess demonstrative adjectives and conjunctions.
-Second stanza: I absolutely love it. I don't really get the same clunky feel you seem to. My suggestion would be to replace either "repurposed" or "reticence" since the shared prefix makes those lines sound redundant. Additionally, line two of this verse feels a little off. Maybe reword that one?
"Deftly, deliberately deconstruct" is probably my favorite line of the poem. It brings a maturity to alliteration which is very hard to achieve.
-The last stanza really feels great. Your introduction of first person climaxes the poem and leads it to it's conclusion nicely.
I adore every bit of this verse except the very last line. For some reason, that doesn't do it for me. You have a tremendous build up, and to me that requires a spectacular end. I actually therefore like the end of your previous draft better. Perhaps you can integrate the two together?
I hope the critique is useful!
It's an elegant and carefully analytic critique schongslipper (jots a note to look at you here); your comment regarding mature alliteration being taken seriously by myself.
Lilli at some point in the past year I think that I stumbled across a work of yours and as I so frequently do quickly read, favorite’d, and then blew out the door. Bad moment on my part I certainly should have stayed longer and thought more deeply about the works you author. Hmm, how to tell another writer that admiration is mixed with a desire to study technique and method without seeming my usual gushing self. *shrug* done now I suppose.
When looking at the earlier work and comparing to both the later and to your brief note in your description I was thrown for moments and questioned what it is that motivates my own need to express. I am frequently surprised by an author's afterword explaining or providing insight into the purpose that drove the work at hand. Without your note, but now clearly seen, yet still at odds with the emotionality of the earlier form I would never have understood that you intended it a statement about your experience of creative process. Perhaps one day I will find the crap that I spout worth writing about ... I'm unsure I shall ever be that good at the craft though.
I hope that I have not bored too completely, and that this season finds you complete and with some smiles from those who surround you; and I will, this time, expend more energy than I had previously reading you.
(This reply is more directed at the artist, but thank you for the compliment! Critique is something I take very seriously and it is one of my real goals to improve my skills at it, so any validation of that is absolutely incredible to hear.)
Wow! Thanks for such thorough, detailed, and helpful feedback. I'll take your suggestions into account when I revisit this poem.